BABYMETAL

I found this at boingboing, and it's pretty much got my head in a vise now. Amazacrazy.

1000 Pieces of Paper

Tonight I emptied a box labeled "1000 Pieces of Paper". I filled 1000 Pieces of Paper some time after college, before I moved away to work for TSR. It was full of college papers and notes and things I wrote.

 A whole lot of it got recycled tonight and a little of it got kept and winnowed into a smaller box.

We've been on a throwing-away kick around here lately. Player 3 has a proliferating amount of his own stuff, and the house has only revealed three dimensions for storage. 

It is a solution of cleansing and sorrow to do this. Saying goodbye to things is more than the things. It is saying goodbye to the person you were or wanted to be when you decided to store those things in the first place.

I've often thought that I'd be happier if a storm blew through our house and destroyed all my stuff. I would miss it, but not much. The DIY version of this however, requires you to bring the catastrophe. You must eventually destroy yourself if natural disaster won't oblige.

In the intervening 20 years, I've changed out some contents of 1000 Pieces of Paper. But it still contained a lot of mass from the mid '90s. Mass I've hauled across the country twice with a few extra tour dates added.

Looking through it tonight was a date with shame. Zippy was an ok dude. Fun at parties. But his interior life was confused and frequently depressed and ohgod so immature. I doubt I could look 24-year-old me in the eye.

A big part of the loss was realizing how terrible a thinker I was. Shallow. Dim. My philosophy notes were nonsensical. My writing had so little perspective. Now I have to put that down. I was never brilliant, and I'm probably not pulling it out in a pinch. I cannot be who I wanted to be; I have to be who I am. It's grounding, but palpably disappointing.

Here's some brightness: I saved nearly everything to do with role-playing games. A bunch of really dumb ideas there too, but the Russian judge was easily ignored as I reviewed those. Half-formed hopes about your future are disposable once you collect the courage and/or wisdom to do it. But creativity has no shelf life. You never know when something you made can be remade. Can't throw that away, however dumb it was.

I failed to grasp most of the Theological Perspectives on Modern Literature class I took in 1990. I don't need reminders of that. But as I storm middle age in 2014, I want every gun I ever drew on a church bulletin in my bag. I've got some personal demons to fuck up, and that cartoon with the surprisingly sophisticated perspective is probably a better tool for the job than a 5-page paper circumscribing my precise failure to grasp Camus.

Snowden Commentary Dec 2013

I am a big fan of what Edward Snowden has done in revealing the 4th amendment abuses perpetrated by the NSA. Big fan, love your work.

True, Snowden is a criminal under existing laws, but much of what we've been allowed to see of those laws indicates they are illegal as well, so who's zooming who? And while legality is a matter of high importance, it has never, ever been the marker of good or right. Legality and goodness should be very best of friends, but they do not share a passport. A long line of martyrs keeps attesting to this. Reminds one of the parable of the tenants.

Snowden has shown himself to be restrained and principled in his communications post-affair, while several members of the U.S. government have behaved with red-faced bluster. The primary journalists spreading the leaks demonstrate care and responsibility in releasing information, while the leakees unlawfully detain journalists' loved ones and force leaders of sovereign nations out of the sky in their manhunt. Even unsophisticated observers such as myself can read these stars.

Every time a new piece of information arrives, I feel an impulse to blog about it, but have nothing substantial to add. "Right on!"; "Well what do you know?"; "I'm angry at the government's plainly foreseeable abuses in the wake of the PATRIOT Act."

Anyway, these are sentiments better expressed in a service featuring hashtag appendages. Blogging -- well, this blog anyway -- is for having an opinion and working to express it well.

If you've only kept up with this out of the corner of  your eye, I encourage you to catch up. It now looks like this issue probably won't just fizzle. Something will probably be done. But will enough be done? Will good or right things be done? These are not settled questions. Your participation is relevant.

Privacy in this modern world remains arguably our biggest American issue right now. That includes issues of income equality, sluggish job market, deficit reduction, same-sex marriage, and anything involving Middle East policy. There are bigger world issues: climate change and antibiotic overuse come to mind. An excellent case can be made for the prevalence of untreated sin as the biggest issue facing humanity, which, if faced, could solve many of these other issues virtually overnight.

But I'll confine myself to talking about trees instead of forests. Myopic as it might sound, privacy is the big American issue.

Ironically, you need to go to a British source for comprehensive information. The Guardian is a London-based newspaper that has been in publication in various forms for 192 years. They have been the primary journalistic outlet for reporting on the Snowden leaks. They present information in clear, easy-to-understand articles and organize the entire story well at their website.

If you've fallen a behind on the whole deal, see their overview of what's going on.

And for what it's worth, I am angry about the government's plainly foreseeable abuses. Encourage your congressperson to repeal the PATRIOT Act. It hurts us much more than it helps.

Welcome, Player 3

Here's a quote from Penny Arcade's pseudonymous Tycho Brahe (Jerry Holkins to his mother) back in 2010:

There’s quite a lot about mainstream culture that I found fundamentally incoherent before I was married, another threshold was crossed when the nurse handed me a son....  Previously, I had something like a schematic of the required emotions....  I knew what I was meant to feel, and could produce an iconic representation of that response. 

I assume the unwritten conclusion to this thought is, "The things they told me were true and that I faked to get along are really-for-reals true. This is a lot of feelings all at once."

I've experienced this. It's not just my lens; people treat you differently once you're married. And you get more jokes. I suspect the same holds true for having children.

I have yet to experience this emotional rush. I've noticed as a new father that you read lots of people talking about the emotional rush of it all, how in one instant they become changed people forever. I've heard this line spoken in earnestness to my face.

I have an unsupported suspicion that the flat affect is a more common result than the flood of joy and life-changed magic purported to be the standard experience. Because nobody wants to be the cinderblock who has a baby and then is like, "OK. What's next?" I certainly don't want to be that guy.

But I am! So, now what?

===

I refer to Player 3 as a "need blob" because that seems to be his primary THING. He's a humanoid blob who constantly needs things. And he only has one word, so he provides fairly binary communication about those needs. And you know, that's how that's going. Standard-issue baby stuff. But I'm not filled with ineffable pride and joy and hope.

The presumption is that these feelings will arrive. I will get the jokes eventually. But I'm not clear that happens for everyone. I don't think my father ever really fell in love with me. I think I was always, on some level, an unknowable need blob to him.

I'd like my relationship with Player 3 to be different. There's still time. As long as one of us is alive, there's time. My suspicion, however, is that something less simple, less easily relateable will occur over time. I want to love him, like him, help him become a man whom everyone loves and respects back. I think I can do that without new-father effervescence.

Happy literal birthday, Player 3. We'll talk soon.

Biting Elbows music video

This video is amazeballs and rated R.

Don't be fooled by the resting-state boobs--it's a violence thing. Amazing first-person violence that you should watch full screen.

Biting Elbows - 'Bad Motherfucker' Official Music Video from Ilya Naishuller on Vimeo.

Tote bags, part 1

I have never in mortality purchased a tote bag, but they keep showing up like loose electrons. So I decided to document them. Here's one I got because my employer changed its name recently and decided to celebrate by ordering useless shit from China.

WRAP guide for friends and strangers

I've been talking about WRAPs to a few people lately and promising to send resources. But when I go to the internet, I don't like anything I find.

So I decided to write my own guide. If I sent you a link to this post, it's because I love you and want you to have tools to be mentally well on your own schedule. If you just found this without me and think it's useful, then hooray.

WRAP stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan. 
It's a plan you write for yourself so the next time you're feeling a little crazy or unwell, you can consult your plan and do something besides grit your teeth and hope.

When you notice that you're maybe sliding into crazy, you're probably not clear-headed enough at the time to remember what it is you do to feel less crazy. This is the chief value of a WRAP. You wrote it all down when you were feeling not so bad, and you made some reference points for yourself.

It's your deal.
You don't have to show this to anyone. It can be like a diary that way. WRAP is a pretty flexible system, and it's meant to be iterative. If you don't get it all or if you don't get it right the first time, whatever. Just go back to it later and update what worked or didn't work.

NB: Try to take this seriously. 
This makes you think hard, maybe about things you don't like thinking about. You might get bored or bogged down before you finish the whole thing. If you don't finish, it's fine. Any part of it that you do will be useful.

But try not to lose it after you're done, because a) you might want it next time you're not doing so well, and b) if you remember where you put it, then you're more likely to finish it later.

A WRAP has nine sections.
 Get a few sheets of paper or open up a text file or whatever you like. I've got my WRAP condensed onto one page, but when you're working it out for the first time, it's good to have room.

1) What I'm Like When I'm Well
Describe what you're like when you're not crazy. Organized? Outgoing? Quiet? Safe driver? Describe it. You can use one word descriptors or whole sentences. Whatever works. Maybe five things, if you can name five.

If you're having trouble, think about what you miss when you're in the crazy, or your opposite of crazy. Por ejemplo: I get depressed. When I'm depressed, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. But when I'm not depressed, I love going places and doing things! I like traveling and learning and being curious. So those are in my #1 section.

2) Things I Need to Do Every Day to Feel Well
If you take meds, that's probably on this list. Exercise, quiet, grooming, and calling friends are also popular choices. You might not have a very fleshed out section 2 first time you take a crack at this because you've never really thought about it this way--what you MUST DO every day to stay well. But write down whatever you think of.

3) Things I Might Do to Stay Well
This is a broader field. Not stuff you're going to do every day--maybe because you can't afford to, or it's not convenient, or it's seasonal or just not a good idea to do all the time. But if you need it, you might do it. Examples: Take a day off from work. Road trip. Blow some money shopping. Eat out. Watch a TV marathon. Call an old friend you haven't talked to in a while. For me, I like to think of this category as "ways to be conspicuously nice to myself."

Seeing your therapist is also a popular choice. You don't do it every day, but you might put it on your list as something you do occasionally to keep things running smoothly.

4) Triggers
Things that you know about yourself that could make this worse. Maybe a specific person or family member who sends you into spiral, or the anniversary of some shitty event, or a song or some weather condition. Whatever it is, it's an EXTERNAL EVENT that could start you down a grim path or make things worse if they're already headed that way.

5) Trigger Response
For each trigger, plot the antidote, so you can handle your triggers before they makes things worse for you. "When X-trigger happens, I will do Y." It might just be "Get the hell away from X-trigger." But you might also want something more nuanced.

This is one that's really helpful to have planned ahead of time, because when your crazymaker is boring into your mind, you're in poor shape to formulate an appropriate response on the fly. You will want to run or fight or freak out. But if your WRAP is handy, you can be like, "Ah, my sister is harping on my boyfriend history again. Instead of raging, I'm going to use my prepared response and my fake reason to leave her presence. Then I'm going to call my best friend who I prepped for this contingency and unload immediately." Nothing groundbreaking, but having your response in your pocket is the money here.

6) Early Warning Signs
As opposed to triggers, early warning signs are INTERNAL. This is the stuff that indicates that you're breaking down. You're still in control, but this is the list of signs that you're in bad territory. Little avoidances or upswings in nervous tics... this is likely to be specific for you, so my examples are less helpful. Watch yourself, and listen to what other people say about you to make this list. It might be largely invisible to other people... or you might just think it is.

7) Early Warning Response
Make must/might lists for when you notice your early warning signs cropping up. Think of this as 7a and 7b. What do you HAVE to do to tend to your early warning signs? And what MIGHT you do if it seems appropriate? You might have some of the same stuff here that you had in sections 2 and 3. That's fine. If it works, it counts.

8) When Things Are Breaking Down
These are signs and symptoms that things are getting serious, and you think you might be getting out of control. It's not a crisis yet, but it could get that way quick. You haven't bathed in a week, or you missed work for two days running, or the voices in your head are starting to get really angry and abusive.

9) Breaking Down Response
Create an action plan for what to do here. This is no longer the time for eating more chocolate and being extra nice to yourself. You can still do those things if they help, but more drastic action is called for. This is the time for taking clear, external action such as alerting other people to what's going on, making near-term appointments with a therapist, and removing shit in your way with prejudice.

The next stop after here is crisis, when things will potentially happen out of your control. So anything you can still do that's in your control, put it here.



That's the short version of a WRAP.
It's a useful tool, and as I said, any part that you get done is better than nothing. If you want to talk to me about it, I'll be happy to talk more. In person or email or whatever.

Kindle architect discusses the end of print

One of the architects of the Kindle wrote a book! Ha ha!

Wait that's not funny. That's normal. It's also normal for someone coming out of the tech industry to write a tell-all. So here's the latest: Burning the Page. (amazon link)

As I have alluded before on this blog, having been raised on a literary diet of Orwell, Vonnegut, and a selection of fantastic fiction set to "frappe", I am tuned to imagine conspiracies.

I wear no tinfoil chapeau. I am not genuinely paranoid. But in this modern America, I sustain the belief that if you're not wary, you're doing it wrong.

It's not a fantasy--people really are out to get you. And here's the twist: It's not the government. the Ministry of Truth will be a for-profit entity:

“...If you’re willing to overlook the fact that Big Brother won’t be a politician but an ad man and that he’ll have the face of Google.”

The interview has a couple of other interesting things to say in the way of caveats and partial regrets as well.

Amazing science linkdump March 2013

One thing I really like about science is how we can use it to stop human misery. We could probably even use it help poor people too!

But I'll take helping the rich as a starting place.

Gel that stops bleeding instantly
I'm confused about why there's so much ballyhoo about this being used in wars. Drones don't bleed, right?

Another option is WE COULD STOP HAVING SO MANY FUCKING WARS.

Gene therapy cures leukemia in 8 days
For once, we're not curing mice. Actual people in actual remission.

Retinal implant gives sight to blind
If you have a certain kind of blindness to start with. But seriously, a much bigger deal than Google Glass.

I'll decide when I'm done

Netflix on Xbox is broken is couple of ways, not least of which is that I have to navigate the Xbox interface to get to it.

But the one that makes me genuinely angry is when I'm watching a movie or show, and the moment and credits come on, Netflix shrinks the viewing window and pushes me to the next thing to watch. If it's a serial, there's even a timer until it starts the next one.

I'm pretty sure someone with a marketing degree decided this was a good idea, and I'm even more certain that some, perhaps many, users find this delightful. But they are wrong; it is loathsome.

I like to watch credits. And often some programme will have an Easter egg in or after the credits. I want to see those as well. What I do not want is for someone else to decide when I'm done watching.

Here is the simple fix, Mr. UI Professional: I'll let you know when I'm done because I'll press one of the 4000 buttons on my Xbox controller. Since you never bothered to give me any warning as to what will result from pressing a given button, you can change it with no further warning, I think we can assume any button can alert Netflix that I'm ready to move on. Otherwise, if I don't tell you to do anything, then it means I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING.

I thought this sort of nusiance-disguised-as-convenience was an isolated incident until I was finished a book on my Kindle today, and was looking forward to absorbing the appendices to reinforce what I had just learned from the main text. As soon as Appendix A appeared on my screen, a black page popped up saying, "You just finished the book! Want to rate it? Tell your friends!"

At that moment, what I wanted was button that would cause a giant extendo-arm boxing glove to punch Jeff Bezos in the face. I went from engaged and learning to "gee, how many stars should I give this book?" at Amazon's whim. As if rating and recommending had any fucking relevance in the whole fucking world to what I was reading.

I don't understand why I wage such a lonely battle for user-centric design. How does removing agency help me?

Trick question! IT DOESN'T.

Intrusive UI that purports to assist or direct my experience without consulting me or offering tools to disable it is the kind of massive bullshit that will keep me buying actual books and/or DVDs into the far future.

The fact that two of the largest, best known content middlemen are doing this inspires dim hope in me for something better.