Good Neighbors

This fence thing, wow. Is it stupid in here, or is it just me? I mean, I'm basically okay with pork bills, as long as they're non-egregiously idiotic.

But gee, 700 miles of fence... I hope nobody in Mexico has a ladder or anything. Or bolt cutters. Or crosses somewhere along the 1300 miles NOT covered by a fence. Or maybe comes into the country on a legitimate visitor's visa and then doesn't go home.

WHOOPS I'M GIVING AWAY ALL THE SECRETS.

Luckily it won't ever get built because they built in some extra stupid by not funding it and running it across a reservation. Whew.

Oh wait, that means both the legislative and executive branches of my federal government have wasted gobs of time on a boondoggle, perhaps as an attempt to distract voters from genuine issues. That's not lucky at all. That's um... whaddyacallit... horribly dispiriting.

I Miss My Girlfriend

Today I was talking about the word "fiancee" and how precious it sounds. Never trust a polysyllabic word with more vowels than consonants. Samuel Johnson once knifed a Hawaiian king for that, calling him "bruitish and uncivillized." (I read that on Wikipedia.)

"Fiancee" is dangerously easy to overuse. You don't sound like you're trying to prove anything if you talk about your girlfriend or your wife over and over. But no one is a fiancee for very long, so there are special connotations with the word. It's a reinforcement of how married you're about to be. If you say fiancee three times in one conversation, it's like you're saying, "I'm getting MARRIED soon. Because my fiancee and I are getting MARRIED soon. Did I mention I have a fiancee? Who is someone you get MARRIED to? Soon?"

Other problems:

• If you say it a bunch of times and get lazy about the word, it starts to rhyme with "Chauncey."
• When I type fast and misspell it, the word becomes "financee." Evil feminists are troublesome enough without easy puns to make their lives simpler. Like I'm just floating this chick until we get married, and then she pays interest for the rest of her life.
  
• The masculine version of the word, "fiance," is useless. Either make it look and sound masculine*, or make the word completely unisex. This missing "e" thing is too foo-foo. Freaking French.

*I suggest "Brawnmonster."

Hey, did I tell you?

Did you know I'm getting married?

Did I tell you yet?

Did -- yes... no, you didn't know because of the look on your face. I meant to tell you! I thought I told you. Sorry. I totally thought I told you by now.

Yeah, I know. It's sort of a surprise for us too, yeah, pretty fast. It feels really good though. I've never been happier for me.

No, well, you've probably seen her post a lot. Yeah. She posts a lot in the comments. I know, her blog is nearly dead. She never posts there any more. I asked her about it, but I think it's one of those things. Some people just blog for a while and then quit. I don't know. This is like, my third attempt at keeping a blog, so maybe you just have to try a few times before it sticks. I know, it's not like I post all the time either.

Well, thanks. It's... yeah. She's really great. She's everything I ever thought to look for, and some things I didn't know I could look for. She's great. I think it will be great.

Of course you're invited! Of course! We want your gift! No, I'm kidding. (I'm not really kidding.) JK! We're getting married in Dallas, in April, so that's kind of soon, and kind of far away from you, I know. Of course it'll be totally cool if you can't make it. I'd love for you to meet her, but I understand. No, but... we'd love to have you is what I'm saying.

Thanks. Yeah, thanks. It's great. Well, I'm happy for you too. I know, It's about time.

Hey, let's catch up some time. Next week maybe? Are you free next week? Okay, well soon then. See you next post!

Hugger Mugger

Last week some guy with a gun was really desperate to have my cell phone, and I didn't feel like I could say no. I also gave him $11. I would have given him more, but it was all I had.

Fortunately, a life spent playing role-playing games prepared me to deal with it.

Not because I invented an improbable heroic conclusion and then labored past good sense to enact it, but because long ago I did the thinking about this situation, so when it happened I was like, "Oh yeah, I've got a mental model for this. I'll just follow the script." I wasn't scared at any time. Mostly, I felt annoyed.

That rehearsal really shone when he demanded my wallet. I took out my waller, removed the cash, and held it out to him. He tried to argue, but the cash was closer to him than the wallet, and he already had his hands full with a cell phone and a gun, and what are you going to do? A mugger's only got two hands, man!

So he took the cash and ran, but on his way out he dropped a lighter and a some change out of his pocket. Poor planning! They'll let just anyone be an armed robber these days, I guess.

The harrowing part was that my girlfriend was on the other end of the phone at the time, and it's real horror movie stuff to have to hear that all go down and be so helpless. She said she would have been really mad at God if I had gotten killed.

I guess I would have had some questions for him too.