Drunk Think Tank

A couple of weeks ago for the first time in my life, I went out on Friday night with intent to get drunk.

A friend remarked, on hearing this story, that I was still responsible enough to hand my keys over to let someone else drive. Which is true. But I didn’t want to get drunk and stupid. I wanted to get drunk and obliterated.

I’ve been drunk before, of course, but always accidentally, at parties, never as a mission. However, a series of events which I will not relate here drove me to think that I would like to not be me for a while.

I have the alcohol tolerance of a spider monkey, so it’s not a long trip from sober to blotto. About 30 ounces of beer later (on a completely empty stomach) and I was weaving to the bathroom.

I had a girlfriend who I loved in Seattle, and who I guess I still love a little, who spent her 20s getting smashed with impunity. When I knew her, I had no mental frame for this behavior. I’ve been plenty miserable in life, but I never medicated.

I asked the Seattle girlfriend one time, “Why do people do this? Why get drunk when it doesn’t make things better, and it really only hurts you in the long run?”

Seattle girlfriend was beautiful and smart, but not a verbal person, so explanations came hard to her. She said, “You can just not be yourself for a while.”

When explains jack to someone looking in from the outside. Now that I’ve been inside though, I ken it. It is beautiful. I was raised to fear alcohol. Now I know better.

A couple of weeks ago I went out to not have to be myself for a while. For a few hours rejection and aimlessness -- companions so close I should carry wallet photos -- took a walk. I didn’t feel good, but I didn’t feel bad. For a night, I call it a win. And the next day, I put away some childish things. That I call a victory.