Dread borne from editing

How does one "loosen up"? I hear you humans use this phrase, but I do not understand it. I am tight. Not like a virgin, like a spinster.

I think one time a long time ago I made things up and wrote them down and people told me I was a "good" writer, but circumstance and happenstance have led me to this place where I am a better critic than creator, and that must have its charms, but I'm missing them right this second.

The search for discipline, for control, has led me to this place where I know grammar, but don't have anything to put in it. This is not writer's block, this is "Oh my fuck, I've spent my life becoming an editor, not a writer, I didn't mean to do that, FUCK."

But the viscera of that horror doesn't shock long enough to drive me to change. And by now, halfway through life, should I even bother trying to shore up weakness any more? Do I just accept what I've got and play to strength?

Oh BlogaDay. You lead me to despair. I hope it's redemptive.