Anticipating Advent

Advent is coming up again in a couple weeks. Last year, as you may recall, I decided I didn't have much faith, and that Jesus didn't seem to be doing much for me. Not that it's Jesus's job to "do things" for me, but I hit that same old wall of feeling fine, but essentially alone, footprints in the sand be damned.

I decided not to stress out about it, and just keep showing up. As a result, this year has been pretty unspiritual, but not wracking. I've gone to church events and participated, sometimes wholeheartedly, sometimes skeptically. But there was still the nag in my head that I didn't get it. And I didn't feel like banging my head to try.

So I didn't. I didn't even think about it most of the time. I just kept showing up, but I'd drop out of things that felt false.

I don't think anything has been resolved, as such. However, I do find myself rested, willing to try again.

Sort of. Once or twice, I've been tempted to think along worn lines, and it's interesting how quickly I recoil, like I found a snake in my bedroll. That gives me the most confidence that I'm headed somewhere real. My built-in bullshit detector is firing.

There is a divine aspect to detecting and rejecting bullshit. God is the arbiter of reality; bullshit is not of God. When something feels fake, it is good and right to find it and excise it.

I've been reading a book by David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself, which addresses some of the same ideas.

Here's another idea in the book I've been playing with: Benner recommends a meditation where you imagine things about Jesus. You read a passage from the Bible where Jesus is doing something, and you just imagine details into the scene. Details about Jesus. The point is to imagine some personality and life into guy who is supposed to be the incarnation of God, but often comes up as a cryptic weirdo.

Since you can only imagine what you already know, I 'm wary of the line where that you start imposing your own limitations on Jesus. But I can trust that the Holy Spirit is riding herd on the exercise, and keeps me from wandering off.

So I did that every day last week. Some days more vividly that others. No epiphanies, but it did help me to feel like Jesus was realer, closer, and that's what I'm after. Intellectually, I'll continue to have questions, but if I can find a feeling of trust, of humanity... well, that's what I've been missing, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when Advent trundles by this year. I'm hoping for something imaginative.